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Fawlty Towers - A Concordance
This concordance was sent in to me by fawlty fan David Legard who has kindly allowed me to use it on my site (after I'd looked up Wikipedia to see what a concordance was ;-).
Abbott Dr.
A holidaying psychiatrist, asks Basil how often he and his wife can manage it. Like all psychiatrists, must be mad as a March hare, in Basil's view, and gets paid for sticking his nose in other people's private parts. Details. Can't tell Basil anything about himself that he doesn't already know. Hasn't come for the Major. Believes there is enough material in Basil for an entire conference.(PS)
Abbott Mrs. (Dr).
Also a doctor, bringing the total of medical Abbotts to two, not three.(PS)
Andre
Owner of a restaurant in Torquay, thinks the idea of a gourmet evening for Torquay's finest is a good one. After he is proved wrong, comes to the rescue on two occasions by providing a large dish of roast duck but is unable to prevent this turning into trifle.
April 17th
Might be the anniversary of the Battle of Agincourt, Crecy, or even Yom Kippur, but is in fact the Fawltys' wedding anniversary.
Arrad, Mr
Attempts to complain about the service at dinner and learns that he is lucky because he just eats there, Basil not only has to live with it but had to pay Manuel's fare all the way from Barcelona.(WS).
Arrad, Mrs.
Discovers sugar in the salt-cellar and puts it all over the plaice.
Atwell, Marjorie
Goes to the theatre with Major Gowen on St George's Day. The major calls her Winnie because she looks like Churchill, who wasn't black.
Audrey
Friend and confidante of Sybil's. Married, not altogether successfully, to George. Is advised to tilt her head right back to stop the bleeding. Tells Sybil a great many things she knows already.
balm carousel
lamb casserole.
Basil the Rat
Enormous savage rodent, or filigree Siberian hamster, depending on your point of view, wouldn't be able to defend himself if given his freedom, even though he is unlikely to be mugged by a gang of field mice. Apparently a homing rat. On the bright side, he won't have to spend the rest of his life with Manuel waiting on him. Provokes a bomb scare in the hotel and winds up in the cheese platter.
Bennion
Delivery man, attempts to book room 16, with a bath, for a large garden gnome, from a dago twit who has temporarily taken charge of the hotel. (BU)
Brahms
Composer of the well-known piece, Brahms' Third Racket.
Brown, Danny
'Allo. Is from the CID (not MI5), and proves to speak much better Spanish than Basil. Is promised a smile by Polly if he eats up all his sprouts (TC)
Bruce, Alan
Boyfriend of Polly's school chum Jean, needs to find a chemist's shop open late at night in Torquay, unless Basil's got one or two he could borrow.
Buckleigh, Duke of
A Sotheby's expert. Plans to host Lord Melbury for dinner, but is unable to do so after getting his head knocked off by a golf ball. (TC)
Cagney, Jimmy
A possible substitute for Adolf Hitler as the subject of one of Basil's impressions designed to cheer up the Germans.
Carnegie, Mr.
The scavenger gourmet from the public health department, opens the self-service department at Fawlty Towers, is otherwise known as Old Snoopy Drawers.
Compton, Denis
International cricketer and football player, proposed by Basil as perhaps being at fault in the building disaster which hits the hotel. (BU)
Coosters
A family of four slated to endure Basil's first gourmet night cancel at twelve minutes past seven because one of them is ill. Basil expresses the hope that it is nothing trivial. (GN)
Country Life
Upper-class magazine where Basil advertises to attract a better class of customer, and enable them to turn away some of the riff-raff (TC)
D'Oliveira, Basil.
Made a hundred. Did he really? Good old Dolly. (TC)
Dragonfly
Wins the 3 o'clock at Exeter at 14-1 after getting off to a flying start. Bird Brain was third, Polly thinks. Fishwife is unplaced. Nitwit was not Basil's horse.
Fawlty, Basil
Aging, brilliantined stick insect who thinks he is running a hotel. In truth, he is the British Tourist Board's answer to Donald Duck. At the very least, it is an extremely inefficient and badly-run hotel and Basil himself is a very rude and discourteous man, according to one guest.
He would find it a little easier to cope with some of the cretins they get in the hotel if he got a smidgin of cooperation from Sybil, but nevertheless is not going to fawn to any of the yobboes they get in there, despite the fact Fawlty Towers is a hotel not a Borstal.
Sings Campdown Races as his way of getting through the day, as the Samaritans were engaged.
Rumoured to have killed four people in the Korean War by poisoning thanks to his position in the catering corps, but still doesn't know how to whip up a Waldorf salad. Once planned to be a tree surgeon but had to give it up because he couldn't stand the sight of sap.
Fawlty, Sybil
Rancorous, coiffeured old sow with a laugh like someone machine-gunning a seal. A golfing puff-adder who is advised not to drive over any land mines, and can kill a man at 10 paces with one blow of her tongue, despite being accused of having a brain made of spongecake.
When in hospital, is apparently going to play charades every evening.
When first manacled together to Basil they used to laugh quite a lot, though not at the same time. Now, she refuses to put up with any more of Basil's hopeless, lily-livered jellyfish lies.
Prepared to lend money to Polly, it is clear to Basil that she doesn't understand the cash-flow situation vis-a vis the frozen assets. May appear on Mastermind, subject: the bleeding obvious.
Fawlty, old Mrs
Sybil's mother is a bit of a trial, being afraid of rats, doorknobs, birds, heights, open spaces, confined spaces, footballs, bicycles and cows. And death. She's always on about death.
Fawlty Towers
16, Elwood Avenue, Torquay. Twenty-two rooms are the limit and there is no view of the Sydney Opera House from the bedroom windows. Guests can, however, see the sea, which is over there between the land and the sky. No discount is given if Krakatoa is not erupting at the moment. There is a ping-pong table which, while not in absolutely mint condition, could certainly be used in an emergency.
Only room 12 has a double bed, which can only be rented to married couples. The Kama Sutra set make a brief attempt to turn the hotel into Basil Fawlty Knocking Shops Limited.
Thought by one well-travelled guest to be the worst hotel in the whole of Western Europe, but the Major knows a place in Eastbourne which is even worse.
The only gourmets you'll find scavenging in the kitchen will be kamikaze ones, the health inspector believes. And if there's a dead dog in the breakfast room, Egon Ronay will knock off a star. Despite the demise of the guest in room seven one night, Basil insists that Fawlty Towers is a hotel, not the Burma Railway, and there is no need for a Book of Remembrance.
Fin, Doctor
A gentleman from the Commonwealth, and in charge of Sybil's ingrowing-toenail operation, which seems to concern Basil. His medical credibility in Basil's eyes is finally established when he reveals the operation will be quite painful, although Basil would prefer him to operate on an ingrowing tongue. (GE)
Firkins, Mr.
A satisfied customer, whom Basil thinks they hould have stuffed, gives Basil a hot tip in the 3 o'clock at Exeter. (CP)
Franco, Generalissimo Francisco
Is in Madrid, and not at the hotel (BU). Rumoured to have had all the rats in Spain shot (BR)
Gatsby, Miss Ursula, or Angina
Old trout resident in the hotel. Friend of Miss Tibbs.
German, 1st
Basil is happy to serve him eggs mayonnaise as we are all friends now, eh? He is also offered a Colditz salad to be eaten after his hors d'oeuvres which must be obeyed at all times.
German, 2nd
Basil takes his order as an Eva Prawn cocktail, which changes into a prawn Goebbels. Asks Basil to stop talking about the war, but is reminded he started it when he invaded Poland. Obviously has no sense of humour as he does not like Basil's Hitler impression. Who won the bloody war, anyway?
German, elderly
Makes the mistake of speaking German to Basil, who thinks there's something wrong with him. Offers to go out and get some meat, but there is no need as they haf meat hier in ze building.
gourmet night
There will be no proles at this event, because when you're presenting haute cuisine, you don't want the working class sticking its nose in it. On other nights, the menu will consist of a large trough of baked beans, garnished with a couple of dead dogs. (GN)
Gowen, Major
Fawlty Towers' oldest resident is, hardly surprisingly, potty. Once got keen on a girl and took her to see India, whereupon she went to powder her.. powder her hands or something, and never came back. The funny thing is, she's still got his wallet. Employs his shotgun in the bar in an attempts to end the career of Basil the Rat who is eating the nuts, if you please.
gralefrit
On the lunch menu, proves to be a grapefruit. Basil's been typing the menus again.(TC)
Gurke, Miss and Hare, Miss
Attempt to cancel their fruit salads, but are told this will be difficult since chef's just opened the tin (WS)
Hadrian
76-138 A.D., Roman emperor 117-138 A.D. Built a wall separating England and Scotland in less time than it has taken Mr. O'Reilly to build a more modest garden wall for Fawlty Towers (BU)
Haig, 1st Earl
Didn't mind the medals, although Basil finds it hard to imagine him wandering around with his shirt open to the waist covered in identity bracelets. (PS)
Hall, Colonel
A brusque guest at the gourmet night, with an unfortunate facial tremor which causes Basil to forget his own name. Not a lobster fan, it's tournedos for him every time. Except when there aren't any. Learns that if you don't like duck, well, you're rather stuck. (GN)
Hall, Mrs
Too small and dry. Doesn't like the unusual taste of raw mullet and thinks she's going to be sick. She would prefer a cooked one. (GN)
Hamilton, Mr.
An American, couldn't find the freeway from London to Torquay and had to take a little back road called the M5. Thinks the natives should get green stamps for living in such a terrible climate. Decides to drink a vodka and orange instead of a screwdriver. If he was back in the States, wouldn't board his dog at Fawlty Towers. Advises Basil to break his chef's bottom, and then wonders how big a butterball Basil takes him for. (WS)
Hamilton, Mrs.
When living in California, likes sunbathing in the morning and skiing in the afternoon, which sounds rather tiring to Basil. (WS)
Heath, Mr
Thinks Basil is a nice man.
Heath, Mrs
Protective of her son, is taken aback by Basil's description of the mayonnaise as fresh puke.
Heath, Master Ronald
Thinks the chips are awful because they're the wrong shape. Basil offers him a choice of Mickey Mouse shape, Smarties shape, amphibious landing craft shape, or poke in the eye shape. Thinks the eggs look like Basil laid them. He needs to be highly-strung, in Basil's view.
Hutchinson, Mr.
Although mistaken briefly for the Duke of Kent, he is a commercial traveller in sp-p-oo-oon-sss, and speaks in a way that leads Basil to conclude that there is something wrong with him. Fears infection from telephones, and has problems reading maps, especially those with curry on them. Likes cultural TV documentaries and table-tennis but is not so keen on frozen peas and tepid ginger beer. He especially objects to being throttled by Basil during lunch and he evens the score behind the reception desk, showing that a lie-down obviously does him good. (HI)
Johnson, Mr.
The bravest orang-utan in Britain, has more medals round his neck than Basil has ever seen in his life, but nevertheless enjoys himself. From the look of his forehead, dates from the dawn of civilization. Learns from Basil that if he wants French food, France is the place to go, they being rather fond of it over there, but if he misses the tide, he could try the Golden Dog Something. Enjoys champagne most when he's on the job.(PS)
Johnstone, Mr
Isn't satisfied with the hotel, but then people like him never are. There's nothing Basil can do to please him, short of putting straw in the rooms. (WS)
Johnstone, Mrs
Thinks the prawns might be a bit off, although she has eaten half of them. Will get the full discount if she brings up the rest in the middle of the night. Thinks Basil is the rudest man she has ever met, even though he hasn't even started yet. (WS)
Jones
Works for Mr O'Reilly, and cannot understand simple instructions on building jobs, especially with regard to dining room doors. (BU)
Kerr
Incompetent labourer in the employ of Mr O'Reilly. (BU)
Kissinger, Henry
Is not the person in the kitchen, drunk. That is, in fact, Kurt. (GN)
Kurt
Unreliable Greek chef, who is struck by the notion that he and Manuel will make Fawlty Towers famous for its cooking, excellent, tip-top, famoso. This seems unlikely when, after consuming several bottles of wine, he is asked how to cook a particular fish and vomits on it instead. (GN)
knuckledusters, flick-knife
Two items which Basil expects Sybil to pack for a quiet weekend in Paignton. (BU)
Leeman, Mr
Gets an extended tour of the hotel which he is unable to appreciate, having died in his sleep, while he was off his guard. Before his demise, learns that courtesy costs nothing, the words 'good night' being shorter than the Gettysburg Address. Is unsure whether to have his breakfast delivered on a tray made of rosewood, mahogany or teak, but definitely wants kippers. Is not singing 'Oh What a Beautiful Morning' when Basil brings his breakfast, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's snuffed it in the middle of night, Basil points out. (KC)
Libson, Mr
While trying to partake of a quiet dinner at the hotel, is advised by an adhesive Sybil to get away from the helter-skelter of modern life and seek some solitude.
Lloyd, Mr Philip
Stepfather of Jean Wilson. Agrees with Basil when he says Sybil made a mistake. (WP)
Lloyd, Mrs Rachel
Mother of Jean Wilson, would love to have a go with the new kitchen door some day, but thinks she'd better be getting upstairs. (WP)
Lurphy, Spud
A hideous orang-utan employed by Mr O'Reilly, punches Manuel in the eye. (BU)
McKenzies, The
Young couple who anger Basil by being in a hurry to catch their train after he forgot to give them their wake-up call. (TC)
Mackintosh, Mr
Doesn't smoke or drink, and hasn't made any phone calls, so Basil refunds 32p which has mysteriously appeared on his bill. (CP)
mantequilla
The Spanish word for butter, as opposed to 'burro', which is Basil's guess. Burro is...is ... ee-or ee-or.
Manuel
Otherwise referred to as The Admirable Crichton, is from Barcelona, where he has left his five mothers and his brother. He is only capable of speaking pig-e-on English. Has picked up a strange dialect of Spanish, instead of the classical version that Basil claims acquaintance with.[Note: Being from Barcelona, Manuel's native tongue would presumably be Catalan, a very strange dialect]. But he is cheap and keen to learn.
A continental cretin, a dago dodo, he makes a special effort to understand Basil's instructions to forget about the horse before one of them dies. Subsequently, he claims he knows nothing about the horse, even under heavy questioning. Basil then decides to punish him for being alive, and as long as he remains alive, Basil will go on.. no, that's the end of his training.
Likes Siberian hamsters, but dislikes dogs, perhaps because they don't have any in Calcutta. Is neutral about pigs and pigeons, but doesn't much care for dead humans.
His mother's paella recipe is big, big in Barcelona, unlike stinking Cockney eel pie.
May 8th
Basil used to bet on the horses until the Great Warning Off of,
Melbury, Lord
Only uses one name. Keeps two valuable bricks in his briefcase and carries tatty cases which only real upper-class people have. Suffers a small accident at lunch which could have happened anywhere, and is later scheduled to take dinner with the Duke of Buckleigh(TC).
Miles, Raylene
An Australian hayseed who possesses nice charms. Charm. Pendant, St Christopher medal in fact. Her yoga routine is interrupted by Basil's questing hand and she subsequently is forced to endure a further gross mishandling, plus an inspection of the room's walls and the cupboard hinges.
moose
A remarkable animal that Fawlty has got, which has learnt English from a boooook, despite being Canadian rather than Japanese. Suffers from antler trouble. Displays a penchant for damaging cardigans and for general violence, knocking Basil out not once, but twice.
Morris, Sir Richard and Lady
Stupid, stuck-up, toffee-nosed, half-witted, upper-class piles of pus who leave the hotel immediately after Basil puts the boot in on one of his guests. (TC)
O'Reilly, Mr.
Local builder who is shoddy, doesn't care, is a liar, incompetent, lazy, and nothing but a half-witted thick Irish joke. He fails to meet Basil's hope that when building a wall he might have found time to cement the bricks together in the traditional fashion instead of dumping them in a pile. The flu delays him, and also the Irish potato famine, Basil surmises, but he later reveals he is not suffering from any rare diseases. But he does suffer a surfeit of proverbs about the Good Lord, and ultimately an assault with an umbrella, and, possibly, later with a garden gnome. (TC, BU).
on those trays
A mispronunciation of the Spanish words for one, two, three, which are correctly rendered 'uno, dos, tres'.
Peignoir, Mrs.
A French antique dealer, although she's not frightfully old, who had no idea how charming Torquay was. Bothered by Torquay's summer heat, decides to sleep au naturelle, even after Basil has fixed the window in her bedroom. Thinks Chopin is so romantic, but has apparently not seen the film How To Murder Your Wife. At breakfast, pioneers a beverage called Cafe Ole. (WP)
police, Torquay city
Are summoned by Basil to investigate the theft of Mrs Richards' money, but haven't turned up as they are very busy because of a lot of bloodshed at the Nell Gwynn tea rooms the previous day.
Price, Dr.
Carnivorous medico who objects to dead bodies laying around in hotel kitchens. (KC)
Prince
Is a little shitzu, perhaps as a result of eating too many cheese footballs. Likes pecans and walnuts, too, but not Bangers a la Bang. We have to be careful to keep this hairy mosquito away from a draught as a rapid movement of air could damage him irreparably.
Richards, Mrs. Alice
A scabby old bat who is disappointed to find there are no herds of wildebeeste sweeping majestically across the plain in front of her Torquay hotel window. Is not paying 7 pounds 20 for a room without a bath. Doesn't turn on her hearing aid because the battery runs down, and is disconcerted to hear that Polly doesn't use her eyes for exactly the same reason. Unsure how many sheets of toilet paper she will require, and whether to have the Fawlty Towers address printed on them.
Apparently loses a piece of her brain in an accident in Basil's office and is advised to go and lie down before something else happens. Seems to think her bedroom is somewhere underneath the hotel, so Basil asks her to give his regards to the earth's core. (CP)
Robbins, Harold
Author of pornographic muzak, purveyor of a few mindless thrills which help Sybil to relax after a hard day slaving under a hair-dryer, finds staunch supporters in the Hamiltons. (WS)
Roger, Alice, Virginia, Arthur, Reg and Kitty
Casualties of the Fawlty's wedding anniversary party. Roger, who reads a lot of Oscar Wilde, escapes uninjured. Reg does his ankle tripping over something in the dark, Virginia is struck in the face, and Kitty injures her arm. (AN)
Ronald and Quentina
Accuse Manuel of being more interested in Quentina's legs than in taking their order. On ordering veal escalope, are surprised to learn that this is a misprint, and should read eel escalope. Basil is asking for a bunch of fives by getting Ronald's dander up. (BR)
St George
Joins Basil's personal pantheon of heroes as the fellow who slew a hideous fire-breathing old dragon, by running it through with a lance. Major Gowen wonders why he didn't just not turn up at the church. (CP)
Sharp, Mr.
Unable to tell whether the ringing sound was the burglar alarm, the fire alarm, or a drill. (GE)
Sharp, Mrs.
Although perfectly well-mannered, she is one of the group that Basil doesn't know why he holds fire drills for, thinking it better to let them all burn. (GE)
Sherman, Polly
Cloth-eared bint with a meagre talent for art, but excels when doing junkyard sketches of her employer. Practically runs the bleeding place, along with the chef, being employed cleaning the rooms, working at reception, but her duties do not include impersonating Basil's wife(AN). During fire drills, her duties are to help get people out of the bedrooms upstairs while learning two oriental languages(GE). Forced to change clothes after Basil decides to abandon the idea of the topless afternoon teas. (WP). Does not think her hat and coat will suit Basil. (WP)
Earns 100 pounds by learning how to converse in semaphore while suffering from puffed-up legs, but shouldn't hit Basil's friends even if she's not feeling well.
Squawking Bird
The leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s, is the subject of a 45-minute documentary on BBC2, but his appearance may be missed by keen fan Mr Hutchison as Basil refuses to reserve the channel for the duration of this televisual feast. (HI)
Stubbs, Mr.
Torquay's other builder, who costs a bit more but does a really professional job, which is why Basil never hires him. (BU)
Taylor, Mrs
Wants veal for lunch, but is advised by Basil that it is really made in Japan from soy bean and essence of cow. According to other members of staff, it is Dutch and Norwegian, some sort of Jappo-Scandinavian imitation veal substitute. (BR)
Terry
Hotel chef, used to work at Dorchester, about 40 miles from Torquay. Has never eaten Cavallero Rusticana, but has been to catering school and so can prepare exotic dishes such as Franco Fritters, Gazpacho, Eggplant Espanole and Chicken Andaluse. Prefers to practice martial arts in the company of a tall blonde Finnish floozie.
He is not paid to tell Basil to take it easy. Nor is he paid to take it easy. He is paid to be told to take it easy.
throw it away
Does not mean what it says, when applied to Manuel in the dining-room holding a dirty gralefrit. (TC)
Thurston, Mr
Wants directions to Glendower St, if Mrs Richards will allow it. (CP)
Tibbs, Miss Abitha
Old trout resident in the hotel. Friend of Miss Gatsby. Thinks Basil's very naughty for taking his wife to Paignton, and urges him not to do anything she wouldn't. Spends some time in a cupboard with the deceased Mr. Leeman and informs Sybil that a man is a man.
Turner, Richard
Alias Mr Turnip, is an intimate of Polly's, seems intent on turning Fawlty Towers into a massage parlour rather than a respectable high-class hotel. (WP)
Twitchen, Mr
Only too happy to support something new in Torquay, it is very au fait of him and his wife to come to Basil's little soiree. (GN)
Twitchen, Mrs Lotte
Thinks gourmet night is an unusual idea and hopes it works out. Can't resist the lobster, but unfortunately isn't going to get the chance to.
waldorf salad
Consists of celery, apples, walnuts, grapes in a mayonnaise sauce. No waldorfs. It is better than that traditional old British standby, the Ritz salad, which is made out of apples, grapefruit and potatoes. Mr. Hamilton doesn't think he will ever try one of those. (WS).
Walt, Mr.
Traveller in marine engines, obviously drinks a lot because he appreciates the boudoir of the grape. He certainly knows when wine is corked and that a Bordeaux is a claret, which puts him several lengths ahead of the hotel staff and management. Refuses an offer of 50 pounds not to write an article which he had no intention of writing anyway. (HI)
Wareing, Mr.
Foolishly appropriates Lord Melbury's usual table, and is forced to move, muttering about grapefruit round his ears. Would appreciate a scotch and water. (TC)
Wareing, Mrs
Would like a gin-and-orange. (TC)
Wareing, Master
Is thirsty for a lemon-squash. (TC)
Watt, C.K.
Manager of the hotel, according to Mrs Richards, is from Swanage, and is either 40 or faulty, depending on your hearing. (CP)
Watson, Mr
Is only staying till Sunday. Right, thankyou. (TC)
What's On in Torquay
One of the world's shortest books, along with Great English Lovers, and The Wit of Margaret Thatcher. (PS)
White, Mr.
Wants to get his things from his room but finds that Basil, a bit of a perfectionist when cleaning rooms, has locked the door. While driving away down the hotel drive, sees an arresting spectacle off to the right, and crashes into a tree. (KC)
Wilson, Jean
School friend of Polly's and a dress designer. Regards as disgusting the sight of the hotel manager and a waiter grappling on the floor in the dining-room. (WP)
Wittgenstein, Ludwig
An instruction to remove two dead pigeons from the water tank on the roof of the hotel is not a proposition by,
Woman, large
During the fire drill, engages in disputes over whether it is 12 o'clock yet, and also whether the difference in tone between the fire bell and the burglar alarm is a semitone or not. Basil thanks her for poking her nose in and pointing out the awful noise than Manuel is making as he is burnt alive in the kitchen.
Xerxes, Mr; Young, Miss; Zebedee Mr.
Come to collect Mr. Leeman, who is in a laundry basket